The Best of the Worst: Trolls 2 (1990)

Derek Arcand

        Troll 2 is a 1990 horror film that is renowned as the worst film of all time for its poor acting, low quality special effects, and nonsensical everything.  That being said, this is my favorite movie of all time.

        The movie opens with our main character, Joshua, being read a bedtime story by his grandpa, Seth.  The story is about how goblins are real and are coming to kill him (Joshua is like 9). This, of course, scares him and instead of trying to calm him down, Grandpa Seth just keeps reading.  This causes Joshua’s mother to come to his room asking what is wrong and Joshua catches himself from saying that Grandpa Seth was reading him a story because it turns out grandpa Seth is dead and haunts Joshua.  We then cut to Joshua’s sister, Holly, Bench Pressing for some reason while once in a while it cuts to the perspective of something creeping outside.  The creeping figure starts moving closer and closer to the house until it reaches Joshua’s room, This is where we find out that the figure was Holly’s boyfriend, Elliott.  So, after scaring Joshua by accident he proceeds to break into Holly’s room (You know, like the crime). There we get a very slow and laborious conversation from the two about how he can no longer hang with “his boys”.  After agreeing to not hang out with “his boys” as much, she just offers to bring him to this “Farm house exchange” in a town called Nilbog.

        We then come back to a shot of Holly crying in the back seat of the car.  The reason for her tears is because Elliott didn’t come after her parents waited an extra HOUR AND A HALF.  As our family yells at each other about that, Joshua is having a fever dream about getting eaten by goblins.  As our cast keeps driving, Holly sees Elliott with who but the boys.  As our cast gets to the house, the transfer family threatens Joshua just because they thought it was funny.  On the dinner table of the house, they see a bountiful feast of green goo that apparently the goblins use to turn you to their food.  Obviously being a trap, Grandpa Ghost gives Joshua 30 seconds of stopped time for him to come up with a solution, his solution was to urinate on the table.  After the Calvin and Hobbes esc idea, his father scolds him for understandable reasons.

        We look back to Elliott’s boys, who are the stupidest people.  Arnold, one of the boys, then steps outside of their RV to hear a woman screaming.  Him, being the charmer that he is, starts chasing her.  After literally tackling her, the group of goblins that were chasing her caught up and in stead of running away, Arnold starts giving then a speech on how you shouldn’t chase women (the irony is not lost on me).   Because he didn’t run when he had the chance, he got a spear in the chest, and what do you do when you get stabbed, you go to your local witch of course.  Surprisingly (or not if you are watching),  the witch poisoned them.

As we then proceed to watch Elliott’s boys get brutally murdered, Joshua is starting to get his family to believe something is wrong and the final straw on the camels back was when Josh looked in the mirror and saw that Nilbog spelt backwards, IS GOBLIN.  So after that mind blowing discovery, all of the goblins of Nilbog (which is everyone that lives there) start trying to kill Joshua.  But luckily, Grandpa Seth comes back from the dead to mutilate goblins and blow up a goblin-priest with a molotov cocktail and lightning.  Please do note that I am cutting out a lot of the more boring parts and adding only a little to the parts I leave in; I paraphrased almost nothing at this part. That is the plot line that the producers thought was the best.

The ending of the movie is pretty tame compared to what just happened, Joshua does the Matt Stonie bologna challenge, Grandpa Seth make the goblins explode by putting a rock in another rock, you know.

So, would I suggest watching this movie? Yes.  Troll 2 is the greatest train wreak I’ve ever seen, and do keep in mind there is not one troll in this entire movie.